Still Alive......
2014 is gone.
2015 is well on its way.
Where do I begin?
Where can I just get off the ride?
Life has it's ups and downs
Sometimes happiness just can't be found.
And when your at your emotional end.
It all comes crashing down around you again.
I purposed at the beginning of this blog to keep it positive. I have done my best to do so. But there comes a point and time where you have to realize the truth of the matter. If you look at running an insight of who you are and how you think, then a blog can and will become silent for a long time. To be honest, that is what has happened here.
I have allowed the "cares of the world" to bury me deep. Situations in life have me drowning in self pity and woe. I do not write to ask for pity. I do not write to ask for anything. I write to unload this weight I bear.
I look at my life and what I have gotten myself into and become sick. How did I get here? Why did I let it come to this? Am I that selfishly driven that I did not see what was coming to pass? Why do I not just let it all go? Why can I not get rid of the past? It keeps me bound to the hurts I have caused. It keeps me shackled to things I cannot make undone.
I find myself against the ropes.
My mind keeps telling me I have no hope.
It is not true. I know it can't be.
But the error of my ways is all I can see.
Is He there and does He care? His word says He is and that He does. So why do I feel so alone? Why do I feel I am undone? Because it is feeling? That I know. But the empty feelings are still there.
I fight back from the ropes.
But do not feel like there is any hope.
I bob and weave the best I can, but still get hit with a heavy hand.
I look and find that the hand is mine. I missed the truth and now am blind.
I am the one who has me here.
I am the one who will not allow me to see clear.
Is God still there? I believe He is. But why am I so tied up in despair? The things I do that I know are wrong have me in such a place of woe. I read His word for help and encouragement, and see nothing but the pitiful specimen that I am.
He paid it all that I know.
I am forgiven, His word tells me so.
But when I read it all I see is condemnation for all that I seem to be.
I want to do right. I want to make amends.
But when I try it comes at me again.
Do I have to be perfect for Him to love me?
Do I have to be perfect for Him to accept me?
I do not think so... I dunno.
I look to His word and He tells me No.
Does this encourage? Does this turn darkness to light?
I wish I could say it has ended my fight.
I wish I could say it has ended my plight.
Again I look at who I am.
Again I look at the sins I command.
How can it be? How can it be so?
I do the same things, I continue to sow.
My heart is breaking. And I continue to sin.
Will I ever conquer? Will I ever win?
I face the fight every day.
I think I triumph just to once again fall away.
It's all my fault I can not lie.
I chose to sin, I chose to "die".
People and places I cannot avoid,
are becoming places for me to be destroyed.
My flesh is weak, oh so very weak.
My sinful nature, it really wreaks.
It's none their fault. I am to blame.
If they all did know, it would bring such shame.
To see the man I really am.
To see the sin that takes command.
It must not be. I cannot let it be so.
I am redeemed. God told me so.
I saw the sinner that I was.
I cried out to Him confessing who I was.
He saved my soul. He said it is done.
And yet I fight a battle not yet won.
Gods in control. He has already won.
And yet I feel that I am undone.
My focus is wrong. I must look to Him.
In these times of life where all seems so grime.
But my eyes are blinded by what is "me".
I struggle to see He who made me free.
Oh Father in heaven hear me plea.
I need You now to rescue me.
My struggle with sin is all I see.
The sins of which You have made me free.
I cannot fight this battle alone.
I know You see me from your throne.
And yet Your here,
I need not fear.
My faith is weak,
Just to be clear.
You alone can bring me cheer,
You alone can end my fear.
I come to and end asking simply for prayer. I find that life has dealt me a hand I am struggling to face. I can only overcome it with His grace. I know He is there and I know He cares, but I am struggling to see Him through my despair. God sent His son Jesus to die for sinners, of that I am sure. Of that I am one. I called on Him when He showed me who I was years ago. HE paid the debt and I am free. But here I sit wrapped up in the chains of my sin. I am not locked to them at all. I hold them close and will not let them fall. Oh wretched man that I am choosing sin over Him. He forgives and forgets. Yes, that is true. But still I struggle to see it true. Because I focus on the sins that I do instead of the God who loves me so much He paid it all. Grace, Mercy, Love, and Redemption. Those are what He offers me. Those are the things I struggle to see. Are there others who have struggles worse than mine? Yes, I am sure. But in my sinful pride I see how "bad off" I am. I need His help just like them.
2015 is well on its way.
Where do I begin?
Where can I just get off the ride?
Life has it's ups and downs
Sometimes happiness just can't be found.
And when your at your emotional end.
It all comes crashing down around you again.
I purposed at the beginning of this blog to keep it positive. I have done my best to do so. But there comes a point and time where you have to realize the truth of the matter. If you look at running an insight of who you are and how you think, then a blog can and will become silent for a long time. To be honest, that is what has happened here.
I have allowed the "cares of the world" to bury me deep. Situations in life have me drowning in self pity and woe. I do not write to ask for pity. I do not write to ask for anything. I write to unload this weight I bear.
I look at my life and what I have gotten myself into and become sick. How did I get here? Why did I let it come to this? Am I that selfishly driven that I did not see what was coming to pass? Why do I not just let it all go? Why can I not get rid of the past? It keeps me bound to the hurts I have caused. It keeps me shackled to things I cannot make undone.
I find myself against the ropes.
My mind keeps telling me I have no hope.
It is not true. I know it can't be.
But the error of my ways is all I can see.
Is He there and does He care? His word says He is and that He does. So why do I feel so alone? Why do I feel I am undone? Because it is feeling? That I know. But the empty feelings are still there.
I fight back from the ropes.
But do not feel like there is any hope.
I bob and weave the best I can, but still get hit with a heavy hand.
I look and find that the hand is mine. I missed the truth and now am blind.
I am the one who has me here.
I am the one who will not allow me to see clear.
Is God still there? I believe He is. But why am I so tied up in despair? The things I do that I know are wrong have me in such a place of woe. I read His word for help and encouragement, and see nothing but the pitiful specimen that I am.
He paid it all that I know.
I am forgiven, His word tells me so.
But when I read it all I see is condemnation for all that I seem to be.
I want to do right. I want to make amends.
But when I try it comes at me again.
Do I have to be perfect for Him to love me?
Do I have to be perfect for Him to accept me?
I do not think so... I dunno.
I look to His word and He tells me No.
Does this encourage? Does this turn darkness to light?
I wish I could say it has ended my fight.
I wish I could say it has ended my plight.
Again I look at who I am.
Again I look at the sins I command.
How can it be? How can it be so?
I do the same things, I continue to sow.
My heart is breaking. And I continue to sin.
Will I ever conquer? Will I ever win?
I face the fight every day.
I think I triumph just to once again fall away.
It's all my fault I can not lie.
I chose to sin, I chose to "die".
People and places I cannot avoid,
are becoming places for me to be destroyed.
My flesh is weak, oh so very weak.
My sinful nature, it really wreaks.
It's none their fault. I am to blame.
If they all did know, it would bring such shame.
To see the man I really am.
To see the sin that takes command.
It must not be. I cannot let it be so.
I am redeemed. God told me so.
I saw the sinner that I was.
I cried out to Him confessing who I was.
He saved my soul. He said it is done.
And yet I fight a battle not yet won.
Gods in control. He has already won.
And yet I feel that I am undone.
My focus is wrong. I must look to Him.
In these times of life where all seems so grime.
But my eyes are blinded by what is "me".
I struggle to see He who made me free.
Oh Father in heaven hear me plea.
I need You now to rescue me.
My struggle with sin is all I see.
The sins of which You have made me free.
I cannot fight this battle alone.
I know You see me from your throne.
And yet Your here,
I need not fear.
My faith is weak,
Just to be clear.
You alone can bring me cheer,
You alone can end my fear.
I come to and end asking simply for prayer. I find that life has dealt me a hand I am struggling to face. I can only overcome it with His grace. I know He is there and I know He cares, but I am struggling to see Him through my despair. God sent His son Jesus to die for sinners, of that I am sure. Of that I am one. I called on Him when He showed me who I was years ago. HE paid the debt and I am free. But here I sit wrapped up in the chains of my sin. I am not locked to them at all. I hold them close and will not let them fall. Oh wretched man that I am choosing sin over Him. He forgives and forgets. Yes, that is true. But still I struggle to see it true. Because I focus on the sins that I do instead of the God who loves me so much He paid it all. Grace, Mercy, Love, and Redemption. Those are what He offers me. Those are the things I struggle to see. Are there others who have struggles worse than mine? Yes, I am sure. But in my sinful pride I see how "bad off" I am. I need His help just like them.
Great honest blog. "Feelings" will keep us in the valley of distress. We all need to determine to keep looking at who Christ is to us and realize He loves us in spite of our "failures." Keep trying and trusting. I can relate very much to the struggles you say so well here. You are not alone. Most Christians can face these kinds of struggles because satan knows how to attack our thoughts with the truth about ourselves. We need to try and push that out and focus on God's goodness. It is not an easy thing to do, that is why I find myself crying out to God daily to help me in my weakness. Even the Apostle Paul reminds us that only in our weakness is God shown strong. It is not what I can do to make amends, it is just letting God "have" me as I just thank Him. If I focus on just being grateful, God helps me get past seeing "me." Keep on keeping on!!!!
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